To have to or not to have to

It comes up a few times a year; a lesson with have to and must. And every time, I have to (or I must) get out the grammar book to relearn the differences. I apologize for not knowing and explain that in the US we use have to for almost everything and that's why I'm in doubt. Grammatically speaking, the difference lies in the obligator. If I obligate myself, it's one of the two and if someone else obligates me, it's the other. But don't forget, I don't remember.  

I really should know the difference because it's become my mantra. I have to write. I have to study. I have to start the Christmas cards. More than one therapized-friend has encouraged me to stop saying it. They tell me I should be saying I want to. They say I'll never do things if I think I have to do them, but if I want to, I will. According to them I have to/must pay more attention to my vocabulary. To which I reply my lack of doing has nothing to do with my word choice.

Last week my French teacher and I were trying (because I can't really speak French) to talk about traveling. She said she seldom makes plans in advance. She hates feeling like she has to go to Rome just because she's already bought the train tickets and reserved the room. She likes to feel free. Unsure if she should have said she has to or she must go to Rome, I made no correction there. Instead, I questioned her need to feel free.

As a fellow freedom seeker and part-time therapist, I was proud of my observation. I've always defined my aversion to advanced bookings as giving up control. But her romantic (and perhaps therapeutic) choice of words was that she liked to feel free. If it's as easy as that to go from being a control freak to a free spirit, I want to start choosing my words more wisely.  
 

Stop. It's good for you.

When I need a little pick me up I go for a convertible ride. It's not the wind in my hair or my favorite song that does the trick; it's stopping at crosswalks. I don't mean the ones at traffic lights where everyone stops. I mean the ones seemingly randomly placed in small towns and the countryside; the ones that few people stop at and that might even do more harm than good. Stopping at those is a real tiramisu (pick me up).

I have friends that don't like being stopped for. If there's no traffic in either direction, they think crosswalk-stoppers like me are silly. I'm neither saving their lives, nor saving them time. The crosswalk-stopper-haters think I'm only adding pressure to an otherwise calm crossing. Fortunately not everyone agrees with them or I'd never get my crosswalk high.

For me the surprised smiles, gentle gestures and cockeyed nods are just what the doctor ordered. There's a brief moment I think I'm an above-average citizen; different from the rest and appreciated.  I picture them telling their friends that today someone actually stopped at a crosswalk. And I pretend the response is, "Was it a lady with crazy, grey hair (or a crazy lady with grey hair) in a tiny convertible? She stopped for me last week, too."

Some people stop for beautiful blondes and others for babies on board. I stop for pedestrians. And I've never regretted putting another notch in my dashboard. When I reach 1000 maybe I'll tell Officer Friendly and he'll award me with a shiny, metal badge. Until then, I'll keep patting myself on the back and wondering why the tiny connnection I've just made with fellow mankind lifts my spirits so.