Mamma's Boys and Girls

There's a law in Italy that says something like you can't kick your kid out of the house if he can't support himself.  In one case some parents took their 41-year old unemployed son to court just to get him out of the house. However, it seldom comes to that because most Italian parents and their kids (30-year old "kids", successful or not) are very happy living under the same roof.  

I worked when I was in high school.  All of the money I made was given to my parents and put away for college.  They gave me spending money, which you could say was the money that I earned scooping ice cream and serving burgers, or you could say that my spending money was my parents' money and it was my burger money that went for college.  In any case, my funds were controlled.  The only money that ever went straight into my piggybank just for me was the money that I earned babysitting when I was 13 (and still using a piggybank).  That's a bit different than the 18-year old Italian that was asked to babysit by a new mother only to be told by the father that she was too young.  I suppose that's probably because most Italian babysitters are over 60 and they're almost always called Grandma and Grandpa.

The four years that I lived at university I got a letter from my mom every Friday.  Every Friday.  And with the letter came a twenty dollar bill.  I'm not sure what happened to all of those letters, but all of the twenty dollar bills were spent on Diet Coke, ice cream, Sunday night pizzas (because the dorm cafeteria was closed), toiletries, stamps and greeting cards.

The reason my money came in the mail every Friday is because I never went home.  Never.  University life meant a new life.  New friends.  New places.  New things to do.  And on the list of "new things to do" were things like laundry, budget my twenty dollars, iron, study and learn how to live without my parents.  As far as I'm concerned they were all good things to do.

Most of the Italians that I know that attended university either lived at home or went home every weekend.  They didn't learn how to do their laundry.  They didn't learn how to budget their twenty euros.  They didn't really learn how to make new friends because they still went out with their high school friends.  And they didn't learn how to live without their parents.  Maybe that's why so many find it necessary to continue living at home for a lot more than just a couple of years after college.

At age 29 one of my female students finally decided to get an apartment and live on her own.  She lasted six months and then decided to move back home.  Her decision was based on the fact that she couldn't go out as often, she couldn't take vacations and she couldn't go shopping because she had to pay for rent and food.  Moving back home gave her back her independence.  And if parents are willing to live with their adult children and do their laundry and cook their meals and share their cars, why not live at  home?

Another 29-year old girl said that she's only recently started thinking about living alone.  She said it seems like a step toward maturity.  Not a bad idea to finally have the desire to grow up considering 30 is right around the corner.  

I have a 31-year old male student that is having a really hard time leaving home.  He's almost done moving into the house down the street that his parents bought for his brother.  (His brother got married and moved into the house his wife's parents bought for her, so the brother's house was available.)  I think he's been in the process of moving for almost a year, but he's not quite ready.  In the past couple of weeks he's spent a few nights there.  He's eaten there a few times, but since he doesn't really have time to grocery shop (I think he works about 40-45 hours a week) it's just easier to eat at his parents' house.  After the lesson last week I asked him if he was going home (to his new home).  He said he had plans to meet friends at 9pm so he'd called his mom before the lesson to tell her he'd be home (his parents' house) for dinner because he'd only have an hour between the lesson and the bar and that really wasn't enough time to go to his own house to eat.

How do 30-year olds in Chicago survive without their mommys?  (And 23-year olds and 35-year olds?)  They work the same 40-45 hours a week, or more.  They fit grocery shopping in at some point, because they have to.  A dinner cooked by mamma isn't necessary because they can live on a sandwich and still make it to the bar by 9pm.  They might live alone in a tiny studio apartment or they might share a bigger place with 2 or 3 roommates if they want to save money.  If they have to stay up late or get up early to do their laundry, they do it......because their mothers don't.

The difference is that American kids don't only do it because they have to, but they also want to.  I know I did.  And I know my friends did.  There's something different in the way young Americans think.  They're excited to be on their own.  I'm quite sure if an American guy had a house waiting for him down the street (and no mortgage payment, don't forget, it was a gift.) he wouldn't be slow to move in.  And he'd be happy to eat a box of macaroni and cheese every night if he couldn't find the time to shop and cook.  

When young Americans declare their independence it means life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  When young Italians declare theirs it means the opposite.  They have less life and liberty because they have to do their own laundry and aren't free to spend money on whatever they want. And their pursuit of happiness seems to lead them right back to the home sweet home of their mamma.