How Was Your Lockdown?

If wireless lie detectors exist, I think it's time they become available as an app. Turn it on as you approach someone, ask the obligatory question, and find out if they really are fine.

I've hated (and periodically refused) saying HOW ARE YOU since I was a child.  I asked my mom why people asked the question since no one cared about the answer anyway. I told her I was going to start responding that I was sad because my grandpa had died just to see if they'd react. I was sure I'd find that some didn't even listen to an irresistible chubby kid with ringlets.

The fact that the expression is taught on the first day of ESL (English as a Second Language) classes proves its ridiculousness. You can show the class a ball and teach the students BALL.  And you can wave to teach HELLO. But at the first lesson you can't explain HOW ARE YOU to a class unless you know how to say it in Arabic, Somalian, Ethiopian and Bhutanese. You're left to act out a small scene with a smile (also teachable), a wave and a friendly HELLO. But the teacher's manual throws in HOW ARE YOU and I'M FINE with no real explanation, simply because that's what comes next. I don't think any refugee on their second day in America is really fine.     

Guidebooks teach it, parents teach it and teachers teach it and I think it's a bad lesson. It makes those of us that don't ask seem impolite.  And those of us that answer how we really are seem extreme. We should form a club and wear a special pin that says, "Don't ask unless you really care." But I suppose no one would take too kindly to that either. There's no place for the realists.

On the 34th day of Italy's lockdown I realized that people have been taking the question more seriously lately. They show real concern and ask with sincerity. And they finally listen to the answer. If I had the special pin I wouldn't wear it on lockdown. I'd be happy to ask and happy to be asked.

I'm sure the first week of liberty from lockdown will be just like the first week after summer vacation and Christmas break. People don't ask how you are, they ask what you did. And they're no more interested in your vacation than how you were before you left.

The second week after lockdown when we return to HOW ARE YOUS and I'M FINES,  I predict a lot of folks won't really be fine.  And for those that have the courage to answer truthfully, will the askers take time to listen? Guidebooks, parents and teachers didn't prepare us for what comes next.

Seeing that I went into lockdown two weeks earlier than everyone else, I think I'll come out two weeks later. Maybe that'll save me from HOW WAS YOUR LOCKDOWN. By that time everyone will be tired of the obligatory question and I'll just sneak into the bar (cafe') with my pin, lie detector app and an open ear.