Take Time to Smell your Friends

I have students and acquaintances of all ages.  I would've written friends instead of acquaintances, but in Italy the word friend is hard to come by.

For me an acquaintance is the Indian lady I used to buy Diet Coke from at the convenience store in Chicago.  But having bought as many as I had, she'd practically become a friend.  For many Italians an acquaintance is a person you've had dinner with 20 times, someone you've gone on vacation with or your older sister's best friend that grew up under the same roof.  It seems to take an awful lot to be considered a friend.

Here's a brief sampling of some conversations I've had with a diverse group of Italian students and acquaintances that have one thing in common: an unusual idea of the value of friendship.

A 16-year old once asked me what I thought about a certain group of women.  I asked her to tell me what she thought first because I didn't want to sway her with my ideas.  She said, "They don't really seem like friends.  They talk about recipes and beach vacations and their kids.  But it doesn't seem to me like they've ever cried together.  Or shared secrets. Or asked each other for advice.  And isn't that what friends are for?"  Brava.  I like this kid.

A 50-year old woman moved 30 miles from her hometown at the age of 38.  She's lived in the new town for 12 years and has spent 6 months a year in Boston for the past three years.  As a part-time Italian transplant in Boston she's made more American friends than in the 12 years she's lived in her "not-so-new" northern Italian community.  In Boston she's probably even friends with the lady at the convenience store.

I asked an 18-year old girl if she had a best friend and she said, "Of course."  Then I asked if her mother had a best friend and she said, "No."  I asked her if that seems sad and she said, "No. It's normal.  She doesn't need a best friend.  She's married and has a family."  It sure seems sad to me.

I once apologized to a 38-year old Italian friend saying that I was sorry if we'd lost touch because I'd been a bit blue and heavy when we got together.  I told her that I was feeling better and I hoped we could see each other soon.  Here's how she responded in a text.  "Never say again something like this because it's not true!!  Don't say such a stupid thing! We don't see each other much because I'm working a lot and I have my niece and nephew, my boyfriend's mother and my grandma and I want to stay with my boyfriend who is completely alone the whole day!! I'm a bad friend because instead of saying, 'ok, now is Tenley's time,' I always say 'tomorrow' and so the time passes by and I never meet you!  Sorry and it's MY fault, not yours."  This wouldn't have been so bad if it had concluded with, "So, when do you want to go out?"  But it didn't.  It ended there.  It seems that between a job and a family there's no time for a friend.    

And then there's my new 55-year old friend that I invited out for pizza in early December.  She seemed happy that I'd asked and told me we could do it in the spring. I let it go, but couldn't help but wonder why we had to wait until spring.  Later she was talking about how she never did anything for herself and she only thought about doing everything for her husband and grown children.  (Grown as in 20 and 24 years old.)  I said, "Is that why we have to wait four months to go out for pizza?  Because you have so much to do for your family?"  She said, "Yes.  It's crazy.  I'm crazy.  I could go out for pizza with you tomorrow, right?"  And fortunately we went a couple of weeks later.

As an American with a lot of friends (not just acquaintances) this doesn't seem normal to me.  It doesn't seem healthy either.  And apparently it doesn't seem healthy to an Italian organic food producer called GerminalBio.  They have an ad campaign that says, "Dedica senza fretta del tempo alla vera amicizia."   Dedicate time, without hurrying, to true friendship.  Or better yet, "make time for friends."  I saw the publicity hanging by the elevators at the hospital.  It's a good place to remind people that in addition to taking care of their health they should be taking care of their relationships.  Before it's too late.

I agree with reminding people to take time to smell the roses.  That's something a lot of us don't do.  We forget that the little things in life are important and we need to be reminded every now and then that it's the little things that add up to the big things. (check http://10leaves.blogspot.it/2011/01/sweet-life.html)  But a reminder to make time for friends seems like a reminder that I'm making a big mistake.  No one has to remind me that it's fun to eat pizza with friends.  And it's fun to take walks, go to the opera, sit on the beach and hike in the mountains.

I admit that there are a lot of things I have to be reminded about that Italian women don't.  They don't have to be told to mop the floor, make dinner for the family (and breakfast and lunch), wash the curtains and sweep the stoop. This all comes quite naturally for them, whereas I could use a little prodding.  But at the end of  life will they be happier with a house full of clean windows or a house full of friends?

The ad at the hospital also said, "Vivi biologico. Scgeli Germinal Bio." Live Organic.  Choose Germinal Bio.  I would have written, "Vivi felicemente.  Scegli amicizia."  Live Happily.  Choose Friendship.